There’s been so many bible based shows coming out recently who needs church? In the last episode of the show “Of Kings and Prophets” the prophet Samuel, King Saul, and Queen Ahinoam, argued over whether to massacre the Amalakites before or after attacking the Philistines. Samuel insisted that commandos whack the pacified Amalakites first but King Saul thought that would be a bad P.R. move and would slow down expansion of the Eastern Empire. Then Queen Ahinoam who knew how to influence dick-headed men attempted to use her pheromones to thwart God’s genocidal plan by seducing Saul and posting a bunch of crap about Samuel on Facebook. Saul was still afraid of God’s wrath though but he also wanted to cuddle with Ahinoam, so when God ordered Saul to un-friend Ahinoam Saul refused—and un-friended Samuel instead! Samuel who had been repressing a bit of a thing for Queen Ahinoam himself retaliated by making fun of Saul’s penis and posting dozens of insulting memes on Saul’s timeline via David’s FB acct. (this move will have regicidal implications in the future I suspect). Then Saul whose pride was engorged by his own blood-thirsty desires did the un-thinkable and un-friended God!!!      Then there was a great pause in heaven..….And God got really pissed and cursed the internet and hid it in a cave in Egypt for 3000 years until Indiana Jones and Chewbacca rescued it from Kylo Ren. The show got canceled after just 2 episodes so I guess I’ll be back to church next Sunday :(

We are thinking about watching "Risen" next:

"(Rated PG-13 for Biblical violence including some disturbing images).  “Risen” Follows the epic Biblical story of the Resurrection, as told through the eyes of Clavius, tasked with solving the mystery of what happened to Yahshua following the crucifixion to disprove the rumors of a risen Messiah and prevent an uprising in Jerusalem. Written by Sony Pictures.”

“Plot Keywords: crucifixion—judea-- resurrection--bare chested male bondage--See All (20).”

Couple of things. “Written by Sony Pictures.” A thousand years from now will the canonicity of the collected works of Apostle, *Sony Pictures,* be debated at the 3016 Academy of Religion convention held on Pandora?

Keywords: “Bare chested male bondage.” (This is why we need the Catholic Legion of Decency censoring our films again—go Santorum!).

And Is there a separate category now for “biblical violence?” How does BV differ from other violence? If you graphically mutilate and murder someone’s child does it drop from a NC-17 to a PG rating because the victim is a character from the bible? No matter how much sensitivity you used crucifying a chihuahua you would still never get a PG-13 rating.

Obliged.